“I’m going to make you so proud.” – note to self
I’ve come to a realization that I’m in another funk. Except this time is different from the rest because I’m not overly upset. It’s just been a constant build up of confusion to the point where I’ve kinda lost myself.
I realized this because if 12-year-old little Jessica were to see 19-year-old college Jessica- then she wouldn’t be happy. She would be confused and scared…and I don’t want that for her.
Q. So why embark on a journey of self-love?
A. Because before you love anyone else, you have to learn how to love yourself. Or else what love do you actually have to give?
It’s not selfish. I want to think that it is but it isn’t. I’m a logical person but I’m also a compassionate person. I WANT to be there for people and I want to HELP people but I can’t do that if I’m lost.
I’m lost. I don’t think I know who I am anymore and I’m scared.
I realized this when I started to unnecessarily lash out at the people I deeply care about or get snarky attitudes with my older sister.
So where do we begin? This isn’t going to be easy.
And you’re absolutely right. I always thought I had self-confidence in the bag. I never struggled with body images or ideal beauty standards. But beauty is so much deeper than skin that I haven’t even noticed my repetitive complaints about how much “I hate anxiety.”
“I hate anxiety. I hate feeling so alone. I hate how I get so upset or so awkward in normal social settings.”
I hate myself.
I realized this when the feeling of being free and comfortable in my own body was a foreign concept. Every day I wake up and it feels like a nightmare. My body feels like a prison and there’s no escape. I’ve put art on it recently as permanent messages to keep moving forward. But then I found myself visualizing what my dead body would look like with the inked art.
Should I even try?
Absolutely, yes and it doesn’t have to be for anyone but yourself. Isn’t that crazy? Think about it: you’re no longer imprisoned in your own body. You’re running free in a field of wheat during golden hour. Your personal universe has been incapacitated. But after this journey, your stars will shine again and you’ll light up the galaxy within. You’ll be thriving!
Sometimes with Depression & Anxiety, it can feel like a constant and never-ending cycle. But darkness can’t last forever. Morning will come again. Seasons change.
And you know what?
When you do make it, in the end, I know that little 12-year-old Jessica will look up at you. With her horrible haircut, quirky fashion taste, and a mouth full of braces- she’ll smile at you. And she’ll reach her hand out and say “I knew you could do it.”
Don’t give up,
12-year-old “brace face” Jess
