The road to healing is not linear.
December and April are my hard months- this just means that, in my past, I’ve had extremely unfortunate events happen to me during these months and they’ve left me traumatized till this day. The nightmares have stopped but no matter how hard I try to move on, these feelings of pain and suffering still resurface. Everything in my current life can be absolutely fine and yet I’ll still have feelings and thoughts of wanting to end my life.
I hate this.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
My therapist said that during these months, it’s as if “little Jess” resurfaces and the little girl that went through so much pain is more present than ever.
And it’s because I never received proper help and I was constantly being put down- told that I was worthless.
My therapist said that during these months, it can be harder for me to deal with every day stress- such as school, work, drama, arguments with loved ones, etc.
“Maybe you just need to wrap your arms around the little girl that went through so much pain and let her know that everything is okay now, and that everything will be okay.”
And recently, I haven’t been doing that. I’ve been crying most days and letting the thoughts consume me other days.
I hate this…
because I know that I’m stronger than this.
So, in dealing with traumatizing experiences, I think that it’s important to understand that although the “past is in the past”- the feelings and memories can still linger. This is why 7.8% of Americans suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.) Woman (10.4%) are twice as likely as men (5%) to experience PTSD throughout their lifetime; an overall average of 52 million people (age 18-54) will experience this disorder.
Recently, my boyfriend asked me why I kept crying or why it was so hard for me to get over these feelings. In my frustration, I replied, “You would never ask a soldier why they’re so triggered after experiencing the battles they’ve fought.” He’s an angel but he’s a bit ignorant when it comes to mental health- he tries his best to understand by holding me and reassuring me.
If you’re trying to recuperate from traumatic life experiences and no one has ever told you this: you are a soldier.
No one will ever understand the battles you had to fight and the pain will tend to resurface but not forever- pain is only temporary.
I write to try to help make sense of things, not just for myself but for others out there who share similar experiences/feelings with me. Every day, my audience grows bigger & bigger. (thank you guys so so much, seriously- it means the world.)
I’m still fighting,
Jessica
