My boyfriend and I had a long talk, we sat down for almost 3 hours and it was mainly him doing all of the talking. Here’s what he said:
You are addicted to feeling this way. You can’t just sit here and say..
“I’ll eventually get better.”
“You can’t blame me for feeling this way.”
“It’s because of my past… not the traumatic experience but the feelings that reoccur.”
You are in control of your own feelings. You are in control of how you choose to think and live at the end of the day.
Forget time. Forget baby steps.
NOTHING will change if you keep thinking this way. Fuck all of that bullshit. Fuck all of that noise.
I’m telling you this right now, you need to want this.
Usually, when a smoker says that he/she wants to quit, they’ll separate it into increments. From one box a day, to one box a week, to a few cigarettes a week, and so on. But they always go back, they always want more even though it’s not good for them.
Fuck the increments. If you want to stop smoking then you put down that box of cigarettes and you never look back.
You don’t have “eventually.” No one is promised forever, no one is promised the next day- the future. That’s why you have to tell yourself right here, right now, every single day of your life- “I don’t want this and I’ll never go back to this.”
Jess, you have to change your mentality and for real this time. How can you expect to be in a relationship if you can’t even take care of yourself? How can you expect to do anything with your life if you don’t start with a solid foundation first?
You need to take care of yourself. It hurts me seeing the girl that I love constantly beat herself up, getting triggered from the past, and then wanting to end her life. How can you expect to break out of the cycle if you keep relying on “eventually.”
Stop letting the past affect you like this. Accept the fact that you’ve been through some really fucked up shit and move on. You’re so stuck on dwelling in the past that you can’t even live in the present- you can’t even live for the future.
Jess, you’re not living in the present moment. What matters is right now, not what happened years ago.
Stop making excuses for yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop letting your disability take over your life.
Look, at the end of the day you have two options:
You keep letting the past affect you, you keep letting little negative things trigger you, and you keep spiraling down into this grave of depression.
Or… you put the cigarette box down. If you don’t want to live this way anymore, then put down that box of cigarettes.
It’s now April 25th, 2018; 3:02am– by the time I publish this post, it’ll probably be a new day. (I have other posts in line before I release this one.)
I went into the new semester with a new mentality… and I really did try my best to maintain it…but then April came along and I relapsed. I kept saying that I couldn’t do anything about it because it was my “bad month.”
But I am tired of the excuses.
And I am especially tired of feeling this way.
It’s not even about hurting other people or myself anymore.
It is about my future… my present.
I need to be here. I need to live life and enjoy it to the fullest.
My mental health does not define me anymore. I have more control than I thought I did.
No more excuses, no more bullshit.
It starts today…and every single day. I choose to be happy. I choose to be better. I choose to be present.
I’m putting down that box of cigarettes… and I’m never looking back.
Thank you angel, I love you.
– Jessica
