12/23/18
“So… how are you doing?” As soon as I close the door of my therapist’s office, I’m always greeted with this question.
Before every session, I always think of what I’m going to talk to her about- recent anxieties, feelings, and situations. Recently, I haven’t had anything ground breaking to talk about… at all (this is a good thing.) At this point in time, I would’ve stopped going to therapy just to save myself the money. But I know that it’s not that easy… and that the possibility of a re-lapse is always there.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going stronger than ever but I have relapsed a couple of times before in the past. The idea of it happening again absolutely terrifies me. I mentally envision it as a rubber band in my mind waiting to snap. Scary, right? So yeah, I’m sticking with therapy until I’m 1000% clean but I won’t be able to tell until the next complicated situation arises.
Why?
Because I always resort to suicide. My mind just tells me that everything is my fault and that I’m a shitty person who doesn’t belong here in anyone’s lives. It’s a lot of fucked up stuff man. Although it’s an every day battle, I won’t really be put to the test until another complicated situation arises. I need to see how I’ll handle myself then- it’s like I’m preparing for war at all times. Except no one can see the war and I’m only fighting myself.
I’m always trying to keep what my therapist said in mind, “Instead of saying you had a horrible childhood, why don’t you just re-write your narrative?” She went on to explain, “I’m not saying to try to re-write how anything happened in your head. You’ve been through a lot of awful and traumatizing things that a child shouldn’t experience. But because of that, you constantly beat yourself up and feel like you’re unworthy of love. So, why don’t you take those experiences and say “yes, all of these bad things happened to me but it’s made me who I am today.””
Re-write your narrative. Your past makes you who you are today. Through all of my experiences, good and bad, it’s made me a more loving, understanding, and empathetic person.
As hard as it will be, you have to accept your past and move on.
