You get the BEEESSST of both worlds! *exits chat*

If you clicked on this post because you were curious as to how it feels- it sucks. Now technically, I’m not a front-line worker such as our brave health care employees tending to sick patients. I work as a style manager at my local Target- now before you think “that is definitely not an essential worker, you have no right to call yourself that.” Let me explain that, I know that I’m not technically an essential worker; however, I’m still obligated to work because of the company that I’m under.

Target is considered an essential store because it sells all of your necessities such as groceries, cleaning supplies, good ol’ toilet paper, etc. Although, clothing has nothing to do with it, style team members still have to go to work because we can’t just barricade off the other half of the store. Other retail competitors most likely feel that it’s unfair how stores such as Walmart and Target are still profiting off of clothing, electronics, and toys during this pandemic- but here they are still profiting. (And by all means, that doesn’t mean that people should still be shopping for these items- but here they are still shopping.)

On top of my job, being Chinese during a time when people are arguing over which is more acceptable- calling it the “Chinese virus” or the “Coronavirus”- is just outright ridiculous. As, if we already don’t have to fear over this pandemic, I also have to fear being mistreated due to racist and xenophobic people in this country. From people making comments towards me on the bus to a woman pushing a shopping cart, muttering “oh no, run!” when she sees me turn down the aisle in the store.

So, here I am faced with:

  1. News articles about how the number of positive cases and deaths are rising per day.
  2. Social media posts about people getting into physical fights in the grocery store and robbing each other for essential goods.
  3. Videos of any Asian person being jumped, mocked, and spit on when they’re just trying to shop at a grocery store or take the train home.

On top of all of this, my ongoing journey with my mental health is sabotaged because along with my every day anxiety, I’m faced with the uncertainty and fear of this pandemic. Then, I see that most of everyone on social media has someone to be quarantined with whereas, I live alone.

So, at this point, what am I more afraid of? This pandemic, racist people, or the loss sense of togetherness? To someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, battling your everyday demons during this pandemic is a rough time. [But then again, I don’t want to complain!] I try to practice gratitude everyday and remind myself of the privilege that I have to still be able to make money and pay my bills during a time when many are being laid off.

If you struggle with your own mental health, just know that your feelings are valid. Try your best not to compare your own pain with other people’s struggles because it will only be detrimental. Pain should never be measured- it isn’t a competition. On the other hand, comparing your own productivity with others during this quarantine can also be harmful towards your mental health. So, find healthy coping mechanisms and keep growing. Some days, the most that you can do for yourself is get out of bed, brush your teeth, and make yourself something to eat- and that’s okay! Feeling emotionally distant and being physically alone can be rough, but I don’t want this to be a step back for any of us. So, let’s do this together.

Surviving,

JC