5/13/18
“Some days, you’ll feel like closing yourself in again.
Days like this can come unexpectedly and without warning,
It doesn’t matter how many obligations you have- these days will tend to get in the way.
You won’t feel like leaving your bed,
You won’t really have an appetite,
And everyone will think you’re fine because YOU think you’re fine-
But at the end of the day you’re not.
Nothing happened. Nothing triggered it. There are no thoughts in your head that are making you feel lifeless.
You just feel.
Days like this remind you of how prominent mental illness is.
Days like this remind you that sometimes you don’t have control over it.
Because you didn’t want to feel this way.
Some days you’ll want to hurt yourself.
And you actually have to tell yourself NOT to… and that sounds crazy but it’s true.
But you know what you do have control over?
Get up. Brush your hair. Wipe your tears. Go outside and get yourself something to eat even if the idea of talking to a cashier scares the crap out of you. And then pick up a book & start studying.
Do not let the feelings consume you.
Do something.
And keep trying.”
As I look back at my old drafts and decide whether or not to even post these excerpts, I feel almost disconnected from my past self. As you can see from the date, this short piece was written a little over a year ago (3rd year at university.) Now, I feel like a completely different person. I haven’t had feelings of wanting to hurt myself at all. Throughout the year, I’ve gotten a lot better at cutting out negativity in my life and focusing my energy more on fighting for the relationships that actually matter. Including the most important relationship: the one that I have with myself.
I still choose to post these old excerpts because it’s important to look back at where I came from and keep moving forward from there. So there I was…
and here I am.
x
Jessica
