Next to dancing, writing is something that I’m extremely passionate about. The only difference is that dancing is a form of expression that’s in the moment- a burst of emotion and spontaneity. Whereas, with writing, it allows someone to record events in their life and pinpoint how they’re feeling in that exact moment. I’ve forgotten what it was like to dump all of your thoughts out onto a page. I haven’t even been physically journaling this past semester in college. I got too caught up in my following. I got too caught up in trying to think of new and creative content. And then, I just got too busy.

I’ve realized that it’s often in the most quiet and depressing times that I create the best writing. If you look at all of my old blog posts and journals, it’s all excerpts about my struggle with my mental health. But that’s the thing, I haven’t been creating because I haven’t been depressed. It almost makes me emotional now because at times when seasonal depression would usually hit hard, I can say that I’m genuinely really happy. That’s not to say that I haven’t had some low moments throughout this past Spring semester. I’ve gotten the lowest grade of my life, my boyfriend and I got into a massive fall out, and I’ve found out stuff that normally would hit my anxiety hard- and it did. However, instead of resorting to self-deprecating thoughts and suicide … I tackled everything with a much more positive and rational mentality.

About that lowest grade, I failed that class- again. Normally, I would beat myself up for not being “smart” enough but to be honest, I worked my ass off. At the end of the day, I had to find another solution for myself. I had major anxiety because re-taking the class, so that I could graduate on time, meant that I had to ask my mom to put out extra funds for me. I hate feeling like a financial burden. I mean, I am the one in my family who chose to go to an out-of-state school. But long-story short, I just had to sit down with my mom and be honest with her.

“I tried really hard mom and I’m sorry that I didn’t have enough time to work part-time this semester but I promise that when I get my degree and get a full-time job then you don’t have to worry about me anymore. I’ll treat you to nice meals and everything.”

In handling every other situation, I just kept repeating the same affirmations to myself:

“You can do everything that you can do to be the best version of yourself but you cannot control how other people choose to treat you at the end of the day. And how those people treat you, do not define your own self-worth.”

Jessica Chau

I’ve said this before but everyone reacts and handles things differently and you can’t get mad at them because of that. In using my boyfriend as an example, that huge fall out only brought us closer together. We handle things differently and we think differently (duh, we’re not the same person.) But we both realized that trust in any relationship is a two-way street and that in order to grow together, we have to be patient and grow in love together. Always ensuring that the latter was happy and encouraging one another has helped in substantial ways.

In general, I always felt so sad after getting into huge arguments and fights over misunderstandings/miscommunication/lack of communication. I always turned the situation back on myself:

“What could I have done better?”

“I’m such a shitty friend/girlfriend/sister/daughter.”

“They deserve better, they wouldn’t miss me if I were gone… all I do is cause trouble.”

My therapist once told me that it was because I never had a secure base while growing up- a solid foundation. Anyone who’s close to me knows how much I value my friends but it’s because I didn’t really have a loving and connected family while growing up- I was kind of searching for that in other people.

She said, “It’s harder on you, when you get into arguments or fights with people that you deeply care about, because you don’t want to lose that secure foundation you worked so hard on building. When you feel like you’re about to lose someone, when your attachment is threatened, that’s why your anxiety shoots up. You don’t want to lose that safe place.”

“But what if you secured a safe base within yourself? Then you’ll never have to be afraid.”

literally my therapist

And that, my friends, is what led me to the final milestone in learning to love myself. That bit of advice was sort of like another wake-up call for me. Rather than letting people walk all over me or treat me poorly- I stood my ground. In doing so more and more throughout this semester, I became more secure with myself. Rather than looking towards other people, I looked deeply towards myself, and I realized:

I am tired of crying. I am tired of blaming myself and putting myself down. I am tired of letting the toxicity poison me.
I’ve done that for way too long now and I really need to stop- it’s suffocating. I’ve come to a point this past semester where I’ve come to fully love myself and know my worth.

I love myself. I love the people that I surround myself with. And I love life.
I am worth more than anything that any toxic person in my life has ever tried to make me feel.

Side note: I just realized that everything I’m talking about now relates back to 3 important posts (A journey of self-love pt. 1 & pt. 2, and put down the cigarette box.) For a while now, my brain has felt mottled. I felt like there was a constant storm inside of me. But now, the skies are clear and the golden wheat field is bright and warm. I know that I have nothing to fear because I’ve broken out of that endless cycle of winter and spring. I’ve found my safe-place, it was within me this whole entire time!

I always referred to my journals as my “anxiety journals” and I would only write in them to document any unwanted feelings/thoughts, panic attacks, and upsetting moments. The fact that I haven’t written on this blog for almost 1 year can’t be ignored but I’m back…

This time, inspired by happiness and growth.

Love,

Jessica