The title was going to be “What’s a broken heart?”
But here I am, sitting in my room and crying.
Hello readers, it’s been quite a while now.
Considering the fact that I usually post once a week, I’ve only posted once throughout the entire month of May. In that post, I stated that I was coming back stronger…I lied. I apologize.
It was a mutual breakup. Amidst papers, final projects, final exams and personal issues- my boyfriend and I recently broke up. For those of you that personally know me, this blog post isn’t going into as much detail as I’ve told you guys. But for my readers around the country and the world, I want them to know this about breakups:
Just because it was a mutual breakup, doesn’t mean it can’t hurt you.
Breakups, no matter what, still suck.
Just because I look okay, doesn’t mean I am okay.
I’m not as strong as people think I am… I’m just really good at hiding my emotions.
Maybe like pain, everyone experiences heartbreaks differently and at different levels.
Throughout my life, I’ve seen my close friends go through heartbreaks. I’ve held them while they broke down because of the toxic relationships that they’ve been in. I’ve heard all of the shitty stories about all of the shitty exes. I thought that heartbreak meant toxicity… but not always.
There was nothing toxic about my relationship, it was all just not the right place or times in our lives. We both still had a lot of growing to do and maybe we weren’t even ready to be in a relationship? And that’s okay. I told everyone that I wasn’t heartbroken because he’s such a great guy and it was a mutual breakup/understanding. We thought long and hard about it and talked it out. So why should there have been any heartbreak?
I continued on with life. I finished my projects, I turned in my papers, I took my finals, I packed all of my stuff from my college dorm and moved back home. I went straight to visit my best friends and then I went straight to New York for a mini getaway. It wasn’t until I settled back home and had nothing to do but unpack the moving bins when it hit me- I was sad.
There was this heart-wrenching pain in my chest. Although my room was silent, my mind was screaming: what if you fucked up? what if you weren’t good enough? what if you made the wrong choice? what if no one ever loves you again? what. did. you. do?
We decided to stay friends. My sister, who’s been with the same man for 9 years, told me that I should’ve been grateful for him and that I should’ve never fully let him go. My friends said that I could find true love again and to keep my standards high. My mom said that she didn’t want me to make the same mistakes that she did with my “dad.” But it’s what my Cantonese-speaking grandmother had said that really hit me, “there’s a sea of men out there- when you find that one good man and he’s never done you any wrong, you shouldn’t let that go.”
So there I was, sat on my kitchen counter, while I spoke to my grandmother in Cantonese saying, “I don’t know what I want anymore.” And while she gently rubbed my leg, I couldn’t help but cry.
I couldn’t write. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to journal or write a blog post. Nothing made sense in my head anymore. But hey, readers…
It’s okay for your eyes to be puffy.
It’s okay for your nose to be red from sniffling.
It’s okay for you to break down.
Life and love are very confusing things. I know that my loved ones are only trying to look out for me and I know that at the end of the day, I’m the only person that knows myself best. At the end of the day, it’s my choice. And the unknown is a scary thing, you never know what your choices may lead to.
Even though it hurts, I feel like I made the right decision. He’s growing and figuring out his life. I am trying and going through life. And you want to know something? Nobody really knows what they’re doing. Nobody really has anything figured out- no matter what age you are.
So for now, I will live my life and he will live his.
And I’ll see what happens next.
One day at a time.
I’m back, for real this time…
xx Jessica
